A Collection of Short Stories
by Toltec Spirit
Summary: How crazy can life get for our favorite pair of macaws and their children? Jump into the story and find out!
1. When Life Gives You Lemons

**A/N: This is a collection of humorous parodies that has been hovering my mind for a few days now. I think I've done a respectable job on them, and I made myself laugh. I hope most of my readers will end up laughing too. Hell, one of these may even serve to brighten up a bad day.**

**There is a fourth chapter that will be written and published soon, so I gave you these to keep you occupied for the time being. They are not related in any way, shape, or form.**

**Oh, and the T rating is because of the third chapter. It's not because of violence. ;-) It should be M rated, but who cares? I ain't gonna get in trouble!**

**If you take the time to read, please review and tell me which ones were your favorites.**

**Enjoy, everyone!**

* * *

**Chapter 1: When Life Gives You Lemons…**

Rio was currently being bombarded by the sweltering summer sun, but that was not to say the atmosphere was unpleasant.

A playful sea breeze streamed inland without pause, cooling the air and increasing its refreshing power greatly. After snaking through the sprawling city, it melted into the jungle, where a particularly inviting odor was added to its salty tang. Every tree, bush, and vine had sprouted flowers and fruit, overloading the weakened streams of air with the scent of citrus.

One could be revitalized by simply stepping outside and inhaling one whiff of the gentle gale. It was the perfect day to frolic, either on the beaches, in the surf, or in the tempting afternoon sky. In the Blu Bird Sanctuary specifically, every tree was laden with as many birds as it could hold, all chattering and enjoying the vibrancy of the day.

In one hollow, however, four striking macaws sat, gathered around a sizable food pile. This was all due to the efforts of the senior male, Blu, who had prepared a small feast in honor of the festivities occurring in the realm beyond their home.

"What's this, Daddy?" Blu's six week old daughter asked while holding a purple oval in front of her face.

"That, Serena, is a grape. It's a highly popular fruit in the States. Oh, and it's squishy and sweet, just like you."

"Aww, thank you, Daddy," she replied, flattered.

"Anytime, Serena. Go ahead and taste it."

She eyed the grape for a second longer, and then popped it into her beak. She shut her eyes in bliss as she chewed, downing the pulpy mass with a hearty swallow after a few seconds.

She smacked her beak and said, "That was delicious, Daddy! Can I have some more?"

"Go ahead, sweetie. There's plenty for you and your brother."

After she had plucked another from the pile, her brother, Cristiano, seized his own, his eyes glittering with anticipation.

Blu and Jewel watched their newest set of children eat contentedly for a short while.

"They're so adorable, aren't they, Blu?"

Blu tossed her an affectionate gaze and replied, "I agree, honey. For being the last of our species, our gene combinations sure do make for healthy, lovely children."

She rewarded his nerd talk with a peck on the cheek, and he pecked her back. Blushing internally, Blu reached out with his foot and plucked up a green grape, the purple grape's sour twin.

Jewel studied it before he stuck it in his beak, and he caught her curious stare.

He lowered it from his beak as she asked, "Is that a grape too, Blu?"

"Yep, but you won't like it. It's full of citric acid, which makes it sour."

"Oh," she replied flatly.

"I suggest you eat the other variety."

"Okay then," she said, and picked up one of the violet orbs.

Blu stalled until she put it in her beak, and then he did the same.

As he smashed it inside his oral cavity, the acid came rushing out and began to assault his tongue.

_Ooh boy, this is some strong stuff! But that's why I like it! _he thought proudly_. _

His eyes narrowed and his beak pursed as the stinging took effect. He found Jewel staring at him, bemused.

"What's the matter, Blu? Is that grape _too_ sour for you? The look on your face is just… priceless!"

She began to giggle.

He gulped down the remnants and smacked his beak loudly. He then used his tongue to rid his beak of any stubborn fragments and wash them down his throat.

Jewel was still giggling by this point, eliciting a response from him: "I can't really control my reaction, Jewel. That always happens when I eat sour stuff!"

Jewel stopped chortling and asked, "Could you eat another? I have to see you squint again!"

Blu hardened his stare and said, "Ha ha, very funny. No, you may not see me squint again."

With that, he turned his back to her and shoved another acid bomb into his beak. His muscles tensed as he consumed it, but his face was hidden from her view.

"_Someone's _a fun sucker, and his name is Blu," Jewel stated slyly.

"Hmmph," he retorted, still in mid-chew.

Though he could not see her, there was another object that he was far more interested in.

The object in question was spherical, dotted with tiny pits all over, and as yellow as the sun. It rested next to the grape pile, innocuous as a rock. But to those who comprehended its secrets, like Blu, it was so much more.

_Hmmm, Jewel finds my expressions humorous, eh? Well, all I have to do to get even is to convince her to take a bite of that lemon. _Then_ we'll see who's laughing! This is gonna be good…_

Once Blu sent the mutilated orb from his beak into his stomach, he turned to the right and rolled the lemon over to him. He toyed with it idly until Jewel was annoyed enough to speak.

"Blu, what are you doing? Aren't you gonna eat that… thing? What is it, anyways?"

"It's called a lemon. It's crammed with sugar, and is even sweeter than those grapes."

He did not feel an ounce of regret for telling the little white lie. The reward he would receive was definitely worth bending the truth.

"Would you like to try it?"

"Umm… sure."

He sent it her way with a flick of his foot, and it bumped into her legs. She surveyed the outer surface and then nibbled at it. She jerked her head away and spat a few times in disgust.

"Yuck! The outside is nasty! How am I supposed to taste the sugary part?"

Blu stood up and moved closer to her, stopping on the opposite side of the lemon.

"You'll have to chew past the peel and endure the bitterness. Trust me, you'll _love_ what's in store, honey," he announced emphatically.

"If you say so…" she replied heavily.

She slammed her eyes shut and placed her beak upon the bitter sheath. She opened it wide, and then bit down forcefully, gouging out a hefty chunk.

A few paces away, Blu squirmed in fiery anticipation of her impending reaction.

_Oh, what a surprise she's in for! _Blu thought excitedly.

She lifted her head up and chewed once, twice.

"Blu… thish ish… sho…"

The bitterness caused her to gag briefly, but then a flavor explosion went off.

In an instant, she realized it was the farthest thing from sweet imaginable. It was as if a lightning bolt had zapped every inch of her beak, and the sheer intensity of it sent her pulse racing.

Her eyes shot wide open, and the first thing she saw was Blu, smiling massively.

She ejected the terribly-sour sludge from her beak, not caring that it splatted all over the wall. Her children ceased to chew and locked their eyes on her, astounded at what their mother had just done.

She then furiously scrubbed her tongue with one of her wings, desperately trying to rid it of the liquid that seemed to be burning it.

"Pth… mmth… blth… aghh…" she mumbled as worked.

All of a sudden, a voluminous cackle erupted in the hollow: "Ha ha ha! Yes! YES! Oh man... that was rich! I win, Jewel! I tricked you… so easily! Oh gosh… oh gosh…"

She dropped her wing and shoved the lemon out of the way, revealing the source of the noise. Blu was flat on his back, his wings enfolding his chest, his whole body shaking as he laughed.

The epiphany that ensued sent her blood to a boil, and her eye twitched in anger.

_Blu… you little… jerk! I'm gonna kill you!_

"Tyler… Blu… GUNDERSON! YOU'RE SO DEAD!"

His laughter was cut off instantly, and he scrambled to his talons. Jewel took one furious step in his direction, and he shot his wings up defensively. His face was drowning in astonishment and dread, his pupils shrunk to pinpoints.

"He he he… Jewel… l-let's be r-rational here! I-I was o-only… getting e-even! J-just calm d-down…"

She continued to approach him maliciously as he backed away, driving him towards the rear wall of their home.

"Uh-oh, looks like Daddy's in _big_ trouble," Cristiano whispered.

"Yep. We better move, or Mommy might step on us…" Serena warned.

The two chicks ambled around the fruit pile, settling down near the wall to watch the action.

They had never seen her so enraged, and they knew that their Daddy was not going to forget this day for a long while. They did feel bad for the trauma he was about to be subjected to, but the upcoming excitement far outweighed their regret.

His tail was bent to the side as he retreated, the distance between him and the sturdy border of the hollow decreasing steadily.

"When I get… my claws on you… I'm gonna make you eat… the WHOLE LEMON!"

Blu was startled by the outburst, and hopped in reverse in the wake of her threat.

"No no no… please… d-don't! Look… I'm s-sorry… honey. I'm really sorry!"

She bounded forward and closed the gap between them, pinning him against the damp wood, her wing at his throat.

She thrust her face right up to his and said scathingly, "_Yeah right._ You're done for, mister. Man up, and get ready…"

He threw a swift glance in the direction of the entrance, and that brief action was observed by both Jewel and their offspring.

Like a feathered missile, he ducked out from under her wing and charged for freedom.

"Get back here, jerk!" Jewel screeched as she whirled around.

He never made it out.

As fast as he could, Cristiano ran in front of his father and flung himself to the floor, shielding his head with his wings. Just as he had expected, Blu tripped on the plushy lump and fell hard on his chest.

"Ow! Hey!" the adult male squawked incredulously.

Before he could stand again, Serena aimed for his extensive tail and latched onto it firmly in a sort-of bear hug. Cristiano recovered and gripped his father's right leg in his beak, squeezing with just enough force to stay attached.

Blu tried to scoot forward with his wings, but to no avail.

"My own kids have turned on me! What kind of planet _is_ this!" he yelled.

With one foot out of commission and Serena's dead weight slowing him down, his escape was forfeited. He craned his head around to see Jewel tromp toward him menacingly, victoriously.

She patted Serena on the back, and then Cristiano.

"Good work, you two! You can let go now," she ordered.

As soon as they relinquished their holds and bounced to their feet, she grabbed his half-splayed wings and flipped him onto his back.

"Oof!" he grunted.

She planted her feet on each side of his tail near its base, her lower body hovering over his in a highly sexual position. She then crushed his wings to the floor with her own.

She had him immobilized, and she highly doubted he had the guts to throw her off.

"Jewel… c-can we… c-compromise here? P-please?"

She formed a wicked grin and replied harshly, "You're outta luck, Blu. It's payback time!"

She lifted her head while still glaring at Blu, and said, "Cristiano, Serena, could you bring me the lemon, please?"

"No problem, Mom!" they cheered joyously.

Jewel kept her intimidating stare trained on her mate as the pitter-patter of footsteps held the silence at bay.

"Here you go, Mom!" Cristiano exclaimed.

She looked up slightly to see her offspring standing behind the devilish fruit, which was almost equal in to them in size.

"Thank you very much."

"You're welcome, Mom," Serena said merrily.

"You and your brother are free to stand by and watch. In fact, why don't you hold the lemon, so Daddy can eat it?"

"You got it!" Cristiano said gleefully.

The two macaws wrapped their wings around the rear of the bulbous fruit and eased it closer to Blu's beak. He spun his head away from it, but that was the extent of his refusal.

"Uh uh uh, Blu. You better take a bite! Why don't you just get it over with?"

_Ugh… remind me not to trick you _ever again_… _Blu thought disparagingly.

"Okay, Jewel, _you_ win. I'd rather eat it than suffer your female wrath any longer…" he moaned.

She inhaled and replied, "Good choice, big boy."

Ruefully, he rotated his head back the other direction, his beak brushing the pitted rind. He gulped pitifully, shut his eyes, and sliced out a sector with a drawn-out, deep bite.

His system went into spasms as the one-two punch of the bitter peel and sour innards pounded his tongue. He knew he was going to end up with digestive problems by about the next day, but he was grudgingly forced to acknowledge that that was his punishment.

He gasped and wheezed as he chewed, his face contorted oddly.

Jewel snorted with laughter and squawked, "Not enjoying the taste, are we, Blu? Serves you right. Now swallow!"

He did so, stifling a potent gag. He exhaled painfully after it went down, and looked at his children pleadingly. Their expressions wilted as a result, but they did not respond otherwise.

"Alright, Blu, go ahead," his mate commanded.

And so he scooped out a second bite.

_Jewel, I swear I will never again betray you for my own pleasure_, he repeated endlessly in his head. _Your ferocity and dedication is unmatched, and I will never make it so that I have to be on the receiving end. _

Secretly, Jewel's love for her mate ballooned in expanse.

He was willing to obey her wishes instead of fight her, all to please her and make amends. The fact that it was his fault was irrelevant. He truly deserved her affection and companionship, and as long as she lived, she would give him as much as her heart could give.

* * *

**Moral: When life gives you lemons… do not use them to prank your mate!**


	2. Mindfreaked

**Chapter 2: Mind-freaked**

It was early morning in Rio, as the sun had not yet escaped the clutches of the horizon and beat back the night. The air was mild, the jungle silent. It was as if Heaven had temporarily fallen to earth, swaddling the land in an unprecedented serenity.

Blu was reclined in the nest, cradling his seven day old daughter, Estrela, in his wings. She had woken up thirty minutes earlier, complaining that her head hurt.

Her parents had promptly roused themselves to assuage her discomfort. Their efforts had worked wonders, leaving Blu and Jewel to question if her healing was attributed to the power of physical contact, or the power of boundless love.

When their daughter was properly tended to, Jewel had bestowed upon her mate a pre-dawn kiss and ambled for the exit.

"Where are you going, honey?" Blu asked quietly, for Estrela was snoozing upon his pulsing chest.

"On a breakfast trip, handsome. You want anything special?"

Blu shifted minutely and replied, "Umm, no thanks. My stomach still isn't in good enough shape to process any food. I don't want to have to deal with anymore… you know…"

Jewel nodded quickly, furtively.

"Understood, Blu. I'll bring back a star fruit for her, then."

"Alright, Jewel. Stay safe, okay?"

"Of course, Blu. I'll be back soon. I promise."

He conveyed a phantom kiss to her by pursing his beak and making a smooching sound. She obliged him by doing the same, and then leapt from the rim and vanished.

Estrela repositioned and mumbled drearily, "So warm… so soft. I… I love you... Daddy."

He looked down at her, the little bundle of navy feathers curled over his heart. He felt a solitary tear well up in each eye, and he could not restrain either of them.

"I love you too, my precious daughter. More than you'll ever know."

* * *

Jewel drifted through the atmosphere at a reserved pace to maintain her immersion in the splendid scenery.

Her thoughts centered on how the rain forest had changed so little while she was growing up, despite the passage of time. It was almost as eternal as her solitude, or as she saw it, her independence.

But unlike the jungle, her life had changed two short years ago.

That was when she had professed her love for Blu, and bound herself to him in every way. Two years and six chicks later, she still admired him and cherished him beyond reason or measure, as she did each one of her offspring.

As she recounted the untold wonder of her recent past, she scouted the foliage for a star fruit bush. Not wanting to spend too much time searching, she decided to gather whatever fruit was close by the first bush she located.

She glided on with minimal flapping, descending ever-lower on her routine journey – though this one happened to be earlier than most.

A few minutes in, as she maneuvered around a lopsided banana tree, she came upon a small patch of bushes dangling familiar yellow shapes.

_Mmm, juicy star fruit! Estrela will gobble them up for sure!_

She landed deftly and hopped up to the nearest bush. Using her beak, she plucked three of them from their branches. She let two drop to the ground so that she could clench them in her right foot, leaving the third ensnared in her beak.

She spread her wings and rose into the air, staying a few feet above ground level. As she passed the crooked banana tree, she pierced a thick wall of foliage.

She gasped when something pricked her left wing, and she dropped down to the turf immediately after exiting the screen.

She examined the leading edge of her aquamarine flying appendage, and saw two triangular objects embedded in her skin. The area around them was stinging slightly.

_What the heck? I've never seen anything like these before! I wonder what they are. Oh well, it doesn't matter. But I'm definitely not going to leave them there!_

She put the yellow fruit in her beak down and removed the offending thorns.

"Ooh. Ow!" she whimpered as they came loose.

Her flesh began to return to normal within seconds, and she could not feel any blood leaking from the thorns' entry points. She exhaled a sigh of relief, nabbed the third star fruit, and lifted into the sky.

_I'm coming home, Blu, just like I promised. You won't have to wait much longer._

She charted her course home and increased her flight speed, her wing beats fueled by her innate desire to lay eyes upon her mate and daughter. She fought her way through the undergrowth, penetrating into another plant-clogged swath of the rain forest.

It was then that she felt a patch of warmth form on her wing, at the precise spot where the thorns had entered.

It did not impede her flight, but it seemed to be creeping towards her shoulder.

_That feels… weird. What if they make me sick? What if they were… poisonous? No, they can't be deadly. There's no way. If I get worse, I can always go visit Tulio... though I hope I don't have to…_

Jewel ignored the seeping sensation and pushed on, locking her worries in the back of her mind. The heat had engulfed her left wing joint before long, and then began to move laterally, swamping her stomach and her neck.

_Okay, something is going on with me. This is not right! I might have to end up heading to Tulio after all. But first, I have to get home…_

She steeled her will and narrowed her eyes, bolstering her resolve tenfold.

She traveled on for another sixty seconds, constantly aware of the subdued fire that was overtaking her system.

Like a tidal wave, a pang of dizziness swamped her brain a few seconds afterwards.

"Unh…" she grunted through her half-shut beak.

She wobbled in flight and dropped a few feet. She forced herself to land on the low branch of a cannonball tree, unable to continue. Even her grip on the wide bough was challenged, as she swayed drunkenly upon touching down. She squeezed her skull between her wings to try and dispel the delirium, but she did not improve her condition one iota.

_Oh man… I need some medicine… or someone to carry me! I'll never… make it back… like this! My brain is so screwed…_

She shook her head side to side, and then scolded herself for doing so. It felt like she had briefly transformed her whole head into jelly, and her stability suffered greatly. She swooned and tipped over, falling chest-first onto the rough branch.

"Ohhh Deus… help me…"

She squeezed her foot and prevented the fruit from breaking loose, but the one in her beak succumbed to gravity as its two halves parted.

"No… urgh…" she whimpered as it disappeared into the undergrowth.

She lay there with her wings drooping over the sides for some time, her whole body now overheated. There was no one out and about, Jewel realized sadly, and so she would have to fend for herself.

Summoning a bubble of internal courage, she folded her wings in and pushed herself to her feet. She studied her surroundings very slowly, recognizing a feature here and there that told her something uplifting: The hollow she shared with Blu was less than a minute away.

She spread her wings and drew in a deep breath, muttering, "This is… going to be… the longest flight… of my life…"

She heaved herself into the air, barely managing to stay aloft as another splash of confusion assailed her mentality. As long as she kept her head steady, she could flap without much difficulty.

That being said, her stamina was being sapped by the feverish state of her body.

Her world was distorted strangely, which made her task of navigating the final leg of her journey grueling. Every tree was bent at some ludicrous angle, every cloud deformed and unrecognizable. Even the very sun was warped, appearing as a yellow splat of color in the sky.

As Jewel skipped from landmark to landmark, she felt herself growing lost inside her own body. Her desperation rose and rose concurrently, and she got herself moving at a dangerous speed.

_I must make it… Blu has to… take me to Tulio… as fast as possible…_

She weaved and dodged lazily, counting off the points of interest as she came across them. Four physical cues later, she saw her shared home less than twenty feet away, on the opposite bank of a gurgling river.

Her eyelids had slipped halfway over her eyes as she aimed for the opening. She flung herself into the hollow with a final mighty flap.

She landed disastrously, sliding painfully on her left side like a downed plane. Her feet went limp as she smacked into the wall, sending the two fruit tumbling in Blu's general direction.

"Blu… hurry… I need Tulio. I'm a wreck…"

Needless to say, Blu set his daughter down as gingerly as possible and darted over to his mate.

"Jewel, what's wrong?" he asked, his voice rife with worry. "What's going on!"

"I got poked… by some… thorns. I don't know why… but I'm so hot… and so dizzy…" she moaned.

"Umm… okay… you'll have to stay here while I go get him!"

"Fine… just go… please..."

"Daddy, what's wrong with Mommy?" Estrela asked, and began to sob.

"I don't know, Estrela. Mommy needs serious help, so watch over her until I get back, okay?" he spouted rapidly.

"But… but…"

"No buts!" he yelled, and bolted for the exit.

"Blu... urgh…" Jewel whispered, and then fell completely silent.

He skidded on his feet and spun around, crushed by the dread pressing upon his frame. He ran over to his mate and raised her upper body off the floor with his wings.

"Jewel? Jewel, answer me! You have to! Come on, come on!"

He dared to shake her like a rattle, but he could procure no signs of life from her. She flopped around like a rain-soaked doll, her beak hanging open, her eyelids drawn shut.

Blu felt his world shatter in that moment of time and come raining down like countless ethereal shards of glass.

Estrela clambered from the nest and plodded over to him, stumbling several times, as she had not yet learned how to walk properly.

"Daddy, why isn't Mommy talking? Why?" she bawled.

He buried his chest into hers without replying, which was a reply in itself.

"No! Mommy!" she wailed at a deafening volume.

He pulled his head back a few inches, showering her plumage with tears.

"Jewel… don't leave me! I can't live… without you! And neither can-"

Blu felt her tremble beneath him, and he instantly silenced his voice.

She withdrew her eyelids in a flash, revealing the sparkling gems beneath. She sprung to her feet and slapped her wings upon his shoulders, as if she had been reborn by some magical process.

Estrela stopped crying, and Blu simply stared at his mate, dumfounded out of his mind. He let out a brief sniffle, wiped his eyes, and stared even harder.

"Live without me? Yeah right! Don't worry about that!" she said forcefully. "Why would you think that, Red?"

"What the? But you… I saw… and then… HUH?"

"What's the matter, handsome?" she queried brightly.

"Can you, I don't know, EXPLAIN WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!"

She rolled her eyes and replied, "I was sicker than I had ever been in my life, and now, I'm healthier than I've ever been in my life. That's it, Red!"

She then gave him a sharp smack on his cheek, causing his head to spin to one side.

"Hey! Why did you smack me! Why are you acting so… insane? And why are you calling me Red? My name is Blu!"

"Don't be so loud next time, Red!" she declared with reasonable volume.

"Okay, why are you contradicting-"

"Oh my! Who is that?" she yelled, burrowing into Estrela with her amazed stare.

She ran over to the tiny female as fast as she could, grasping her with her wings and smashing Estrela against her chest.

"Look at you! So CUTE! Oh my gosh! I could hug you forever!" Jewel squealed.

Blu came up on Jewel's right side and said tentatively, "That's our daughter, honey. Don't you rememb-"

She flicked her head in his direction and shrieked, "She's OURS? Oh my gosh! I can't believe it! What a miracle, Red!"

Estrela let out a cry as Jewel's loud voice wracked her ears.

"Jewel, stop! You're gonna damage her-"

"Weee!" the older female exclaimed, tossing Estrela a short ways into the air, and then catching her expertly.

"Weee! Weee!"

Soon enough, Estrela joined in the chanting, overcome with joy at being hurled into the air and snatched up by her mother.

"Yaaay! Yaaay!" she chirped out of her tiny beak.

Blu's eyes tracked his daughter as she shot up and dropped down, not a single sound spilling from his beak. After fifteen heaves, Jewel plunked the ecstatic chick down on the floor and faced her mate.

"You wanna go outside and fly around, Red? Let's go fly around. Come on, it'll be fun!"

"This better be a dream, or I'm-"

"Come on!" she ordered, pushing him from behind.

"Jewel, wait! Stop!"

She complied, and he turned dramatically around.

"Geez, what's the matter? You don't like fun or what?"

He blinked and retorted, "We can't leave her here alone, Jewel. Don't you get that? And how is anything classifiable as fun when you're acting like a lunatic?"

"It was the thorns, I tell ya! The thorns did it! And maybe I am a lunatic. Who cares! I wanna fly!"

She tore out of the hollow like a feathered rocket, striking a glancing blow on Blu's right side. He was sent reeling, ending up on his back, staring up at the ceiling as if he had seen a ghost.

Estrela approached him and peered down at her father.

"Daddy, are you gonna go get Mommy?"

He blinked stolidly and muttered, "I… give up. All logic is void. Reality is a lie."

"Huh?" she asked, not comprehending her father's large words.

"Nothing, nothing, nothing."

She shrugged cheekily and said, "I'm gonna eat."

She skipped away and pounced upon the star fruit.

He rolled onto his stomach and crawled to the rim like a slug. He scanned the sky for his deranged mate, and spotted her wheeling about in a fantastic display of flying ability.

Just as detectable was her endless stream of hollers and shouts of manic felicity: "Yeah! Check out my wing-work! No one can touch me! I'm upside down! Now I'm downside up! Uh-oh, time to go spin-cycle!"

"Jewel! Hey, Jewel! Could you come here? We need to talk for a sec…"

She did a triple loop from left to right and streaked in his direction, leading him to believe she had heard him. However, she simply sped over the crown of the tree without pause.

"Great. Great! Right when I need answers, my psycho mate-"

"HEY, RED!" she ejaculated, her head spiking down from somewhere above the hollow.

"Yahhh!" he belted out, nearly startled out of his feathers.

She pecked him between the eyes with her upside down head.

"Not so loud, mister. What did I tell you?"

Trying to mask his fear-induced quaking, he inched closer to her.

"Jewel… could I ask you… some intuitive questions?"

She cocked her head to one side.

"Liiiiiike?" she replied, stretching the word.

He tapped his beak with his right wing primaries.

"Why are you acting like a child on a sugar high?"

She angled her head in the opposite direction.

"The thorns! Always the thorns! Will you fly with me? Please please please?"

"No! I don't even… ugh! Leave me alone!"

He snorted and used his wings to rotate his body until his back was to her. He heard a resounding thud, but was too stupefied to look back.

He had crawled but a few inches when something sturdy established a vice-like grip on his tail feathers.

"Nope! Nope! Nope! I have to double the fun! You're comin' with me, Red!"

Jewel beat her wings powerfully, turned away, and rose into the sky. Blu was dragged out of the hollow, putting up little resistance.

He saw Estrela's shocked expression, and then the world rushed by him in a multicolor blur.

His senses divined that he was upside down, and that Jewel as supporting him with her feet. Indeed, he felt jolts of pain issuing from his tail every time Jewel pumped her wings. He tilted his neck and looked straight up, and sure enough he was dangling below a hovering Jewel.

"Here comes… a rollercoaster ride! I'm gonna fly till I drop, or till you drop instead!"

"No no no! Put me back where I belong! This is… unprecedented! This world is a circus!"

"No can do, Red. And this isn't a circus. This is a jungle!"

With that, Jewel slowly ramped up her forward speed, Blu swinging below like a sack of potatoes. She hauled him off into the greenery shaking and screaming, his pleas for mercy and assistance fading into nothingness.

"Well, there goes Daddy," Estrela said to herself.

"Oops, I mean Red!" she corrected.

* * *

Meanwhile, in another plot of the jungle, a certain leafy organism picked up a series of squawks with its leaves, which served as its ears. As time ticked by, the noise grew and grew in intensity.

The orange-hued blossoms, which functioned as its eyes, lined themselves up with perfect synchronicity as the sounds reached a crescendo.

A female macaw appeared from behind it and meandered overhead, a raucous male slung beneath.

"Ay, yo, look! That was da chick we nailed dis mornin'!" one of the brown seed pods declared.

"Yeah, I remembah dat gurl!"

"So do I, yo!"

"No shizz!"

"Looks like she got her man all jacked up!"

The flowers all faced each other, and then the pods proclaimed in unison, "Screwball plant one, birds zero!"

* * *

**Moral: Hallucinogenic plants and avian wildlife do NOT mix. Various side effects may result, including, but not limited to: Fever, dizziness, death-like sleep, unbridled loss of sanity, a propensity for yelling, and the capture of nearby family members.**


	3. Love, Interrupted

**Chapter 3: Love, Interrupted**

Blu and Jewel sat side by side on the oak counter in front of Blue Macaw Book's main window, shielded from the mild snowstorm raging around on the other side of the glass. The sound was muffled to a large extent, only a light moaning audible from where they were.

Why are they in Minnesota, you ask?

They had made the vast journey so that Linda could engage in a family reunion – the first since her life-changing trek to Rio three years prior. Tulio and Fernando had come along, as well as Linda's two favorite macaws on Earth.

In front of Blu and Jewel lay a small wicker nest shrouded with a small rose-colored cloth. Beneath said cloth were two newly-laid eggs, the outcome of Blu and Jewel's requited love.

They had entered the world rather unceremoniously the day that the family touched down in Minneapolis, as Jewel went into the labor the moment they crossed the threshold into Linda's bookstore. The process had gone off without a hitch, as the expert Tulio was there to monitor the female.

Blu must receive more credit for soothing his mate during that stressful time, however, since his love for her was more potent than Tulio's ordinary skill.

Linda had informed her parents of their arrival, and Linda had assured them that they would visit the very next day. Blu and Jewel safeguarded their eggs steadfastly while Linda drove the rented SUV to her parents' house, much to the ever-studious Tulio's excitement, who watched them carefully the entire time.

When Linda and her extended family greeted the small group of humans behind the open door, the eruption of love and vocal greetings was exceedingly energetic.

Once all the members had been introduced to one another, Blu, Jewel and their eggs became the center of attention for over an hour. Linda's relatives held them, cuddled them, stroked them, cooed to them, and performed many other methods of interaction.

Blu was drunk off of the stimulation, but Jewel did not enjoy being practically manhandled in the least. Had Blu not been there to sternly control her urges, she surely would have bitten at least fifteen fingers, arms, and noses. She put up with her treatment for Blu's and Linda's sakes, but was left teetering on the brink between complacency and outrage.

Once Linda's relatives had settled down, the rest of the day flowed by pleasantly. Endless conversations abounded, a grand dinner was had, and s'mores were roasted in the rustic fireplace and eaten. Blu and Jewel were regretful of their biology, as they could not have any chocolate, but they dealt with their displeasure flawlessly.

When the ornate clock above the picture-laden mantle tick-tocked to ten o'clock, Linda's posse bid their goodbyes, collected the macaws and the unborn children, and took their leave.

The ride home was smothered in silence, punctuated by the occasional yawn.

As they made their way into the bookstore, it was clear that every being was zombie-like in their behavior. The humans kissed and hugged the macaws, and whispered temporary farewells to them and their eggs. They tromped up the stairs sluggishly, and after the sounds of two doors being shut vaporized, the tiny shop was utterly quiet.

Blu and Jewel were fairly exhausted, but to be with each other in splendid isolation staved off their desire to sleep.

The light from a pair of standing lamps on the bottom floor illuminated the space with a mellow golden hue, and the room took on a sort of peaceful, careless air. Linda had programmed the central heating to remain at a comfy seventy-five degrees, both to block out the Minnesota chill and keep the eggs warm.

"Today was one heck of a day, wasn't it?"

"It sure was, honey," Blu answered.

"Linda's family may be a bit… careless, but at least neither of us got hurt or had our feathers torn out."

"Also, no one had their blood drawn by a certain female who loses her composure around humans," Blu added.

She faced him and smiled. "Yeah, that too. You should be proud of me for keeping my cool, even though I was _this_ close to giving my beak some exercise."

"Of course I'm proud of you, beautiful."

He gave her a peck on the cheek to reinforce his statement.

"The time you've spent around me seems to have improved your self-control. I'd say you're becoming more… domesticated."

She huffed and replied, "Never, pet. I'm as wild as they get. I'm a rain-forest girl to the core."

Blu scooted her closer with his wings and dipped her backwards, sharing a deep kiss with her. He reveled in the bliss for a while, and then separated their beaks.

"I love you, Jewel."

"So do I, Blu."

He brought her back to a standing position, and she squeezed him against her in a tight hug.

They stared into each other's eyes as they embraced, each diving past the iris, the pupil, and the retina of the other. In fact, they searched so deep as to immerse themselves in the soul that each possessed.

Their hearts fluttered with elation of the rarest kind, that which only existed between lovers.

"Oh Blu, I love you so much. Promise you'll never let me go."

"I promise, Jewel. Cross my beating heart."

They leaned forwards, and their beaks met halfway for a sublime kiss. Blu tilted his head to gain better access to Jewel's luscious tongue, and she did the same. Soft moans of pleasure weaseled out of their beaks, and their pulses increased in rapidity.

When they broke the osculation, Jewel inhaled and whispered, "You're such a good kisser, handsome."

Blu smirked and replied, "I'm second only to the best, who happens to be _you_, beautiful."

Jewel felt warm spots erupt on her cheeks, a pseudo-blush to accompany his compliment.

"Thanks, Blu. That was sweet of you."

"Anytime, my gorgeous Jewel."

She stole a glance at the hidden eggs, and then trained her gaze on her mate, a plan forming in her mind.

"Blu?"

"Yes?"

"It's been a long, rough day, and I was wondering if you'd like to… I don't know… relieve the stress we've been through."

"And how might we do that, honey?" he queried softly.

She worded her next sentence carefully in her brain to make it as tempting as possible.

She sucked in a quick breath and said, "It would be nice to share a night of passion, don't you think? We're all alone in a toasty room, everyone else is asleep upstairs, and we both admitted how much we love each other. The situation is _perfect ._What do you say?"

As the collective meaning of her words sunk in, he gulped and put on a mask of visible nervousness.

"Umm… okay… this is sudden. Am I obligated… to say… yes? Because… I'm kinda… not up for… intimacy…"

Jewel figured he was going to hesitate, and so she devised a method to break his will. She wasn't going to berate him and seduce him aggressively – that she only did in springtime – but passively convince him to make love to her.

"Please, Blu? There's no risk of me getting pregnant again, and all I want is for you to _prove_ your love for me. What could it hurt?"

Blu pressed his wings to his temple and muttered, "Why must you torture me like this? You know I find it near impossible to refuse when you whip out the 'please' word."

"You wouldn't want to hurt my feelings, now would you?"

That final blow crumbled his resolve, and he let his wings slide down to the counter top.

"Fine, Jewel. I guess it couldn't hurt. But don't get mad if I pass out in the middle of our escapade…" he said grudgingly.

She rolled her eyes and replied, "Oh, I won't let you, Blu. After we're done, _then _we can get some rest."

Blu looked all around the room skeptically, and then pierced Jewel with a worried gaze.

"Umm… where are we going to… _do it_?"

Jewel hopped over to him and said, "Right here, silly! What, did you think we were gonna go outside?"

Blu's pupils dilated as he whispered hotly, "_Here?_ As in, on the counter? But… but… the wood will hurt!"

Jewel shifted into a thinking pose, her wing on her beak.

"You do have a point. Hold on, I think I can fix that…"

Jewel lifted off and began buzzing around the room, scanning her eyes in all directions for a cushion. When she flew over the counter with register, she did a loop and glided down, out of sight.

She emerged seconds later with two squares of material in her beak, which swayed randomly as she made her way back to her mate.

She touched down triumphantly and laid the squares out, one on top of the other, upon the dense oak.

Blu recognized the snowflake print, and realized that they were the towels Linda used to wipe down the bookshelves twice a month.

"Jewel, we can't use these! That's so… awkward! They're probably covered in dust and all sorts of cleaning chemicals! We-"

She muted him by placing her wing on his beak.

"You have a better idea?"

He speedily shook his head no, and she withdrew her wing.

"That's what I thought. Now come on and satisfy me, handsome."

She seized him with her wings and jerked him close, and the force caused Jewel to fall backwards. She landed directly on top of the towels, and she realized that they were excellent shock absorbers.

She interlaced her wings behind his neck and pulled it down, kissing him as soon as his beak clicked with hers. He had no choice but to return the favor.

As his tongue wrestled with hers, his former apprehension melted away like the icicles under the Minnesota sun. If there was one thing he could never get enough of, it was the way Jewel tasted. She was so succulent, his brain clamored for more, and he was powerless to battle his craving.

"Mmm… Jewel… you taste… so sweet…" he muttered.

"You taste… pretty amazing… yourself…" she admitted.

They scoured every inch of each other's beaks with their fleshy snakes, mopping up all the saliva that they could.

While Jewel titillated his system, he folded his wings in and began massaging her sides in a slow rhythm. Her feathers were as soft as a cloud, and the way they tickled his own drove him crazy.

In the midst of their heated display, Blu rolled to his left and tucked his left wing under her body.

His right wing was now free to explore the marvelous landscape that was her plumage. He draped it over her nape and ran it down her spine, sliding his primaries all the way to the tip of her tail. He then moved it in reverse, and Jewel gave an ecstatic shudder with every repetition.

She ended the kiss and laid her head down, feasting her eyes on Blu while he caressed her. He opened his eyes as well, revealing the twin pools of lust behind his hazel irises.

"Blu… that feels… oh yes… mmm…"

She unfurled her sky blue right wing and drooped it over his body. As she drew invisible designs on his feathers, he shivered in delight.

"Jewel… mmm… don't stop…"

He smashed his beak against hers and initiated another round of heavy kissing, his eyes reflexively closing. Both he and his mate began to pant as their bodies went into overdrive, their lungs and air sacs greedy for oxygen.

Seeking to up the gratification even more, Jewel drove her wing between her body and Blu's. Exerting her muscles, she ran it up and down his thrumming chest, feeling his heart racing beneath his skin.

More than once, she slyly slid her feather tips past his legs, only to hear him give a stifled moan and feel his back arch in ecstasy.

In return, Blu angled one of his feet in and raked the feathers between her legs with his fine claws. The strident purrs he heard her emit were heavenly music to his ears.

After a minute of them stimulating each other in various sensual areas, Jewel bunched her muscles and set them off all at once. She ended up on top of Blu, resting on him as if he was a living pillow.

He let his wings fan out at his sides, his primary feathers askew.

The abrupt change in position had separated their beaks, and Jewel glared down at her mate sinfully.

"Blu… are you up… for some amazing sex?" she grunted.

"Hell yes… Jewel. Take it… to the… next level…" he ordered.

Jewel steadied herself by digging her claws into Blu's stomach, the spurts of pain converted into bolts of electricity due to the adrenaline in his blood. Jewel had full control of her and her mate's pleasure, and she was going to do everything she could to maximize it.

She lowered herself downwards until their cloacae met, and then froze as a carnal pulse of euphoria raced up her spine.

"Wow… Jewel… that was... mmm…" Blu whimpered.

"Brace yourself… because there's more… to come…" Jewel warned spastically.

She inhaled a large amount of oxygen, and then shoved her body forwards and downwards. The surge of sexual pleasure ignited by her cloaca rubbing against his made her dizzy, and she collapsed onto him.

"Oh Blu… you feel… _so good_…"

"More… Jewel. Give me _more_… of you… please…"

She eased herself up with her wings and secured her feet once more, her chest swelling and deflating like stormy sea. She could detect a faint wash of heat radiating from that precise spot on his body, and she answered its call with another stiff thrust.

She did not lose her footing this time, as the mind-numbing sensation was mutated into sound.

"Unh… oh God… mmm…" she squawked.

When she pounded Blu again, his back bent inwards, driving their moist skin together for an extended period of time.

When they parted, he slumped back down and grunted, "Jewel… oh Jewel… I can't… get enough…"

Two thrusts later, as his muscles began to tighten in preparation for his developing climax, he briefly surrendered himself to his instincts.

Jewel's head slumped in the wake of their fourth union, and Blu clenched the side of her neck in his beak. She chirped in pain, but did not protest further.

She continued to ravish him without pause, intoxicated by the desire to couple with him just _one_ more time. And so their intimate contact continued in a vicious cycle, neither willing to stay parted from the other for more than a second or two.

They were highly vocal throughout the mating ritual, their squawks and shrieks barely limited in regards to their volume.

As their hearts chugged madly and their breathing reached dangerous speeds, massive knots of sexual tension established themselves in Blu and Jewel's lower bodies. They were fast approaching the brink of fulfillment, and only scant number of thrusts prevented them from tumbling into the canyon of orgasmic eroticism.

Jewel ground herself against Blu once, twice, but a resounding thumping noise paralyzed her in her tracks.

Since Blu was still clamped down on her neck, all she could do was move her eyes. She directed them towards the source of the noise, which lay at the far end of the room.

Her pupils dilated in unparalleled horror and shame as Linda descended the spiral staircase.

"Those two birds… better not be fighting. Why aren't they… asleep? So much noise…"

Upon reaching the bottom, Blu's caretaker scrubbed her eyes with her hands, blinked them open, and donned her glasses.

She stared drowsily at them and asked, "Blu? Jewel? What are you two _doing_? Can you keep it-"

Jewel let out a grating shriek and tore away from her mate, his beak scratching her neck inadvertently. She landed hard in her back over a foot away, nearly knocking over the basket with her tail. She hurriedly got to her feet and gazed unflinchingly at Linda, her expression stained with sheer embarrassment.

Unfortunately, her wing had skimmed his cloaca as she bolted away, and his system responded by carrying out an Elysian release of his pent-up sexual magic.

Jewel shifted her focus from Linda to her mate as he flopped about on the towels, his wings crossed over his lower body. He cawed repeatedly in divine ecstasy as he lost control of himself, his seed leaking from his opening and sticking to his wings.

Jewel cringed away from the sight and narrowed her eyes at Linda, who remained rapt with exasperation.

"Oh my… were you two… oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!"

When Blu's orgasm finally terminated, he snapped his beak shut and stared blankly at the ceiling, wheezing for breath.

Disgust and fury and shame and despair whirled about inside Jewel in a tumult, and she would make her feelings known to the aggressor, even beyond the species barrier.

She jetted over to the check-out counter and released a guttural croak of anger, directed at the human female. She then transitioned to the railing next to Linda's astonished face and croaked again.

"Okay, okay! I'm leaving! Sorry to interrupt!"

She ascended the stairs, and Jewel could hear her hushing Tulio before the door closed with a slam.

When Jewel returned to Blu's side, she tapped his head with her wings to open his eyes.

"Blu, Linda's gone…"

"I… I heard," he choked, swallowing thickly.

He raised his head ruefully and parted his wings slightly. Sure enough, white strings of goo hung between his primaries like congealed spider silk.

Jewel took one look at his predicament, and then snapped her head away.

"Blu… is that.. oh my God..." she said, gagging.

He re-laced them over his legs and muttered, "Linda… I might not ever… forgive you for this. Look what… you did to me…"

"Blu… urgh… what now?"

He clamped his eyes shut and shook his head disdainfully, so sickened he felt like he was going to puke.

"I'm gonna… have to clean this… semen off of me. And then… and then… I'm going to bed…"

He had never imagined having to use that word in his lifetime, much less in reference to something that had flowed out of _him_ personally. And yet, he had to, in order to properly describe his abhorrent situation.

"Okay. I'll just… umm… be over here… with our eggs…"

Jewel carefully tiptoed around him and slid the nest to the far left corner of the counter, within wing-reach of Blu's gilded, dust-coated cage. She crouched onto her belly and faced the snowstorm, as still as a statue.

Blu flipped onto his belly and stood, and with a leaden heart, surveyed his slime-drenched wings and stomach feathers.

_Linda, you and I are going to have a _serious_ talk tomorrow! This is an atrocity that's near unspeakable!_

"Jewel?" he asked flatly.

"Yeah?"

"_No one_ is to _ever_ hear of what happened tonight, alright?"

"My beak is sealed," she stated dully, but with ice-cold conviction.

"I don't even know what to say, or where to begin," she added painfully.

"Neither do I, Jewel."

Blu bent over and secured the uppermost towel in his beak. With a disturbed pace, he folded his wing in and began to wipe the genetic material off.

The cloth performed well, but he would to irrigate his plumage with water later on to remove the stubborn sludge.

When he had consumed the last ounces of his will, he had cast the towels aside haphazardly and plodded over to his mate. He cuddled with her and plunked himself down on his messy stomach.

"See you tomorrow, Jewel," he whispered to her snoring form.

_Maybe we'll get the chance to mate in a completely secluded area. If the weather clears up, we'll go outside and have our way with each other in a pine tree. And we'll make sure that people like _Linda_ aren't watching us…_

Blu exhaled the epitome of a distressed sigh, hung his head like a wilted flower, and drifted into a grossly-needed sleep.

* * *

**Moral: Be wary of having sex with your lover in the company of others. They will come upon you at the most inopportune times, and ruin your day.**


	4. Shocking!

**Chapter 4: Shocking!**

Rio had been turned into a ghost town due to the mass of waterlogged clouds rooted above the city. The beaches were closed, the markets were abandoned, and not a single civilian vehicle patrolled the streets.

It was early afternoon, but the dense mass of stormy gray sheets made it seem like it was closer to sunset. Visibility was reasonable, but would most certainly become deplorable once the hanging tempests decided to dump their load.

Even the high-spirited jungle was oppressed, the fauna sheltering in their burrows and hollows, their senses forewarning them of the foul weather that loomed. Distant thunder resounded every so often, like floating cannons in the sky, but the lightning responsible was invisible for the moment.

Two birds, however, dared to be outside in order to gather the food they needed for a last minute dinner. The two stunning blue macaws were perched on a mid-level branch in a mango tree, hastily scanning the fruit to find the ripest ones for picking.

Seeing none within wing-reach, the male bounded to a nearby bough and continued his evaluation. His luck improved, as he spotted a choice orange and yellow oval suspended above his skull.

"Jewel, I found one for me!" he called.

"Okay! I'm still looking!"

He outstretched his wings and jumped into the air, trapping the fruit between his navy fans. His weight put too much strain on the stem, and it split into with a sharp _snap_.

He transferred it to his right foot and peeked around the right side of the trunk for his mate. Not seeing her, he bounced to the next branch on the right side, and then to the one after that.

His cranium whacked against something, causing him to nearly plummet from his perch.

"Ow! That hurt!" he cawed.

"You're telling me!" Jewel retorted, rubbing her forehead with one wing.

"Mmm. Anyways, you got your mango, honey?"

She held it up pointedly.

"Yeah. We need to get home before the rain hits."

"Indeed. Come on!"

Blu departed and battled his way out of the leafy tree, aiming steeply upwards. Once he breached the canopy, he saw the same endless swath of green stretching away from him in every direction. Nonetheless, he would be able to plot a path home due to his honed sensibilities and brilliant mind.

He paused and waited for his mate to catch up, and then he peered downwards to study the foliage.

"Which way, Blu?"

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking…"

_Okay, that cannonball tree there is familiar. It's… a half mile south of the hollow. Oh, and that banana tree is about a quarter mile east of the hollow. Alright, I got it!_

He pointed his beak in a northwesterly direction and beat his wings heartily. Jewel's own wing-flaps filtered into his ears, meaning that she was following him, and closely.

"How far, Blu? The rain could come any second!"

A drawn-out groaning crept in from the west, increasing the plausibility of her prediction.

"Um… about four minutes maximum. But we gotta fly hard and fast!"

He pushed himself to go even faster, the chilled air whistling past him. Jewel obeyed and increased her velocity, trailing less than a foot behind her mate's tail.

Thunder boomed from the north a minute later, sounding much closer than before.

After blocking out the persistent, earthquake-like din, the macaws dived to further boost their speed. They then rose back up after skimming the canopy, beating their wings madly to try and outrace Mother Nature herself.

A second crack of thunder resounded, and then a third, which rattled their hollow bones and startled them in the air.

"Yahhh! Hurry, Blu! It's getting close!"

"I know, I know! I'm going as fast as my biology allows! I'm not a jet!"

A minute after the thunderclap, a jagged bolt of energy arced from the clouds to the ground to the east, a blinding flash in the clear air. Before the ensuing roar even rolled to their position, liquid began to pour from the heavens.

The droplets were fat and sticky, full of salt from the ocean water that had evaporated to give them life. They fell slowly, but their impact on the macaws' exposed plumage was noticeable.

"Yep! I knew it! We're screwed now, Blu! This is all your fault!"

"How is this _my_ fault?" he fired back.

"_You_'_re_ the one who wanted to leave our home, all because your stomach wouldn't shut up. Now look at the mess we're in!"

"When a male's gotta eat, a male's gotta eat!"

"Ugh! Whatever! Just get us home!"

"That's what I'm doing!"

Blu called up his instincts to guide him, as his vision was blurred like a car windshield. He blinked rapidly to clear away the moisture and the salt, but it helped little.

Another flash of lightning struck the land to his left, casting a ghostly white light across the area.

They were on the right track, as far as he knew, and over a minute of flying time away from their sheltered abode. As the rain dripped from his back and ran down his legs, he tightened his grip on the mango to prevent it from slipping from his grasp.

"How much further, Blu? This stuff is ruining my feathers! And I can barely see you!"

"Not much! We're nearly there" he yelled.

His senses were battered by another lightning/thunder combo, and once he recovered, he pushed himself up to prepare for another treacherous dive. He flew on for thirty seconds at that elevated altitude, hoping that Jewel was still following him.

"Hey, Jewel, you there?" he squawked, drowning out a peal of stormy audio.

"Yeah! Why are we flying so high?"

"This dive should be the last! And then home will be within visual range!"

He inhaled a copious amount of oxygen – laced with the acrid stench of ozone – and then braced himself.

However, a faint buzzing in his ears stopped him short.

He slowed down as the noise seeped into his body, which began tingling all over. His thoughts turned morbid as he imagined what might be happening, and the consequences that they would suffer if it _did_ happen.

"Blu, why am I feeling all funny? What's going on?"

"Down, Jewel! Go down! Quick!"

Two seconds after his reply poured from his beak, the brightest flash either macaw had ever seen blinded them.

And then, the lightning struck.

It shot down from a dip in the clouds above and targeted the closest targets it could find: the foolish macaws.

It penetrated Blu in the middle of his back, the millions of volts coursing through his system and wreaking havoc. A split second afterwards, it skipped over to Jewel nailed her in her throat, frying her as well.

The innocent mangoes in their talons were also victims of the bolt's fury. The spongy interior, full of water, was vaporized into steam, and the fruit exploded into thousands of tiny flecks.

Within one brief second, it was all over.

Their partially de-feathered, smoking bodies careened towards the ground like meteors. Neither macaw twitched or spoke. Their hearts had ceased to beat, and their brains had been short-circuited.

They were dead, in every sense of the word.

But to the unending cyclone of fluid, light and sound, they were simply two unfortunate beings that had crossed its line of fire, and been murdered without a care.

They chopped through the canopy shortly after their termination, slamming into the soggy ground with grotesque force. A pair of splashes was heard as they landed in a large pool of mud, each bouncing and rolling to an awkward stop.

It was obvious that their skeletons had fared no better than their organs.

Both of the male's wings were fractured and askew, while the female ended up with a broken neck. No blood emerged from the corpses, for they had both died clean deaths.

As the rain washed the mud off of their battered forms – which were both laying belly up – something on their foreheads began to flicker.

As time passed and the deluge continued, an otherworldly metamorphosis was occurring inside their destroyed bodies. The marks emblazoned between their eyes glowed a brilliant blue, driving the changes that would eventually resurrect the vanquished birds.

Electricity was channeled from that mark to Blu's broken wings via his nerves, and the bones began to shift and realign, slowly but surely. The ends unified with extreme precision, and a final spurt of energy sealed them together like new. Jewel's neck vertebrae were healed in the exact same manner.

Once the skeletal improvements were completed, the contained lightning inside Blu and Jewel moved on to complete other tasks. The blood sloshing around in their blood vessels and organs was boiled off, the invisible vapor exiting their bodies via their half-open beaks.

All their other organs shriveled up, save for their hearts, brains, eyes, tongues, and reproductive structures. Their hearts tripled in size and were supercharged with energy, miniature lightning flowing into them for twenty minutes straight.

Their blood vessels were then galvanized into flexible wires of metal, perfect conduits for the limitless power stored in their hearts to feed their surviving organs.

The high voltage rivers then shocked their skin, causing replacement feathers to sprout and patch up the bare spots flawlessly.

To cap off the Change, their brains received a careful jolt of electricity, restoring their functional capability.

On the outside, their normal-looking bodies twitched momentarily, and then fell still again. Five minutes later, as another ferocious bolt of lightning split the rain-free sky, two pairs of eyes slid open.

The male perked up first and somewhat lifted his head, scanning the environment slowly.

When he caught side of his mate laying there, her eyes open and blinking every so often, he struggled to his feet.

"Ugh… where am I? What the… what happened to me?"

He felt along his entire body with his wings, checking for any signs of damage.

"Well, I _seem_ fine. I need to check on Jewel…"

He strode over to her and helped her to her feet.

"Jewel, are you... alright?"

"Yeah. But I can't remember much. My brain feels funny. I… what the?"

She hopped closer to him and seemed to stare at something above his beak.

"What? What do you see?" he asked impatiently.

"Blu, you have a funny thing on your forehead. It looks like… a lightning bolt. And it's… it's glowing!"

Dumbfounded, he asked, "Are you sure? How is that even possible?"

"Heck if I know," she replied, shrugging.

"Hey, you have one too!" he exclaimed, as he saw a shape between her eyes flicker and begin to shine.

"You're joking!"

"No, Jewel, I'm not. Honest!"

"Ummm… okay, that makes a lot of sense. Does it have something to do with the fact that I can't recall why we're here?"

"That's a good question, honey."

Jewel spun quickly around, and then faced her mate.

"Do you know where we are? Or where our home is, if we have one at all?"

"No, I don't. I'm pretty sure we have a home, though. I mean, why wouldn't we? Let me think real quick."

Blu squinted in deep concentration, until a small spark went off in his brain. He gave a small jump, and his hazel eyes twinkled like miniature stars.

"What's the matter, Blu?"

"Our home is this way!" he chimed, pointing his right wing to the northwest.

"Are you sure?"

"Yep! Follow me!"

He threw himself in the air and rocketed away, a blur of color that was almost too fast to trace. She streaked after him rapidly, imitating every course change he implemented.

He made a beeline for a certain cannonball tree in the midst of a group of others, and landed gently inside. Jewel landed moments later as he walked further in, and he turned to face her.

"Do you think we'll ever figure out why these bolts are painted on our skin?"

"No, not really, Jewel. I simply don't know what could cause it. My knowledge-packed brain is of no use to me now."

"Hmmm… that's a real bummer, you know."

"Eh," Blu said, shrugging. "It's not worth losing sleep over."

Confused, Jewel replied, "But Blu, we're not sleeping. What do you mean?"

He rolled his eyes and said, "I'm saying that we should just forget about it."

"Oh. Okay then. So, what should…"

Her voice trailed off as she picked up a hurried flapping noise from outside.

"Blu, someone's coming. Do you hear that?"

"Yeah. I don't know who it could be, though."

Their muscles tensed briefly, and then relaxed rapidly as two aquamarine birds skidded into the hollow. It was Blu and Jewel's six year old children, Samuel and Amelia.

Judging by the messiness of their plumage, they had been flying very fast prior to their arrival.

"How are you… Mom and Dad?" Samuel asked, panting.

"Okay, I guess, son," Blu answered.

"As soon as the storm ended… we came straight over… hey… what are those… things on your foreheads?" their daughter queried.

"Oh, these? Umm, your mother and I aren't exactly sure. We went out for food this morning, tried to fly home, and then we woke up on the ground. That's when we saw these lightning bolts. They've been glowing ever since."

"Wow. This morning sure has been exciting for you two, huh?"

"Definitely, Amelia," Blu replied.

"Can I touch yours, Mom?"

"Sure, Samuel, go ahead. Just be careful."

"Okay," he replied, and walked up to her.

The hollow fell silent as he reached his wing out for the mark. Something happened the instant his primaries graced the bolt.

There was an audible zapping sound and a flash of light, and Samuel jerked his wing away.

"Ow!" he yelled, shaking his appendage heartily. "It shocked me!"

Taken aback, Jewel asked, "Wait, what? How?"

"You tell me! You're the one with the glowing tattoo!" he retorted.

Jewel looked at Blu, and he shrugged impishly.

"What would happen if I tried it out on you?"

"That's a good question, honey. Do it, and we'll see."

Jewel ambled over to her mate and tapped his forehead with her wing. The same sound and light from before occurred, but with double intensity. Both Blu and Jewel stung each other, but they reacted differently than Samuel had.

"Hey, that tickled!" Blu exclaimed.

"Same for me!" Jewel replied.

"Do it again!" he ordered.

This time, jewel touched his stomach, and he jumped into the air.

"Ooh! That felt amazing!"

Blu grinned and tapped Jewel's wing, and she squawked and giggled.

"Take this, Blu!" _Zap!_

"Your turn!" _Zap!_

"Oh, it's on, mister!" _Zap!_

With that, Blu slapped his wings on Jewel and did not let go.

"Blu… s-stop! That t-tickles! Stop! St-"

There was a blinding flash, and Jewel flew away from Blu. She hit the wall with a dull thud, and lay in a heap.

"Oh my gosh! Jewel, are you alright?"

Blu ran over to her speedily, but refrained from touching her. As he studied her, she threw open her eyes and knocked him off his feet with her wing.

"Surprise!" she yelled as he hit the floor.

She paid him back with a prolonged dose of electricity, leaving him squirming on the floor.

"Oh please… Jewel… no more… I can't breathe!"

"Serves you, right, handsome. I got you _good_!"

"Do me! Do me!" Amelia pleaded.

"Yeah, me too, just try not to hurt me," her brother added.

"Alright, just calm down. Stand in front of me."

The siblings complied, and Jewel aimed for each with one of her wings. There was a single forceful _zap_, and both macaws leapt back from Jewel, their faces twisted with glee.

"Yah!"

"Woohoo!"

Blu got back to his feet and came up beside his mate, careful not to brush her wing.

"Do you know what this means, honey?"

"What?"

"We can turn this into a pranking mechanism and go shock our friends!"

Her eyes widened at the thought, the same expressions mirrored on her children's faces.

"That's a great idea, Blu! Who should we strike first?"

Blu thought for a moment, then replied slyly, "Nico and Pedro, that's who."

"Can we come too and watch, Dad?" Samuel asked in anticipation.

"Sure, son. The more, the merrier. Now come on, we've got some pranking to do!"

"Yeah, let's go!" Amelia cheered.

Blu took point and left the hollow first, followed by his mate. Their children flew side by side in their mother's wake.

"I can't wait to see the looks on their faces!"

"Neither can I, Jewel. It's gonna be so rich and rewarding!"

Blu divine the location of the party-birds' hollow and led them there in under five minutes. They landed unseen above the entrance and collected themselves, then dropped down softly.

"Hey, look who it is!" Nico announced, jumping from his nest.

"It's the lovebirds, and they brought their whole family too!"

"What's crackin', Blu and Jewel?"

"Not much, Pedro. We just stopped by to say hi."

"Yo, what's with those glowy things on yo heads?" Nico asked, bouncing closer to the adult macaws.

"That's not important right, now, Nico," Jewel replied haughtily. "What _is_ important is that you two give us the proper greetings."

Jewel thrust her left wing out pointedly.

"Oh, a wing-shake? You got it, girl!"

Blu extended his right and said, "You too, Pedro."

All four macaws resisted the urge to crack up as Nico went to grab Jewel's wing, and Pedro went for Blu's.

The two younger macaws deeper into the hollow, planting themselves on their father's left side. There was a clipped silence, and then the wings made contact.

"Aiyyyeeee!" Nico hollered.

"Wahhhh!" Pedro cawed.

The two birds flung themselves against the opposite wall, rubbing their wings to chase away the numbness.

"You guys got some sort of lightnin' powers or somethin'? That hurt!" Pedro whined.

By this time, all four macaws were rolling around on the floor in various stages of laughter.

"Oh man oh man, we nailed you both!" Jewel squealed.

"If only… I had a Polaroid!" Blu squawked.

The two younger macaws pounded the floor with their wings, no words issuing from their beaks.

The party duo bounded up to the pranksters and crossed their wings, glaring nastily at the inconsiderate lovebirds.

"Yo, that wasn't funny at all," Pedro complained.

"Yeah, what's the deal?" his buddy questioned.

"Yes… yes it was…" Blu stuttered, standing up.

Jewel stood as well and wiped a few jubilant tears from her eyes.

"Well that's all… we wanted to do to you. We're gonna head out… and pay a visit to the toucans," she said.

"Good! I hope those chicks take you down and rough you up," Pedro said harshly.

"Now get outta here, before you sting us again!" Nico put in.

Blu cocked his head and asked, "What? Like this?"

He gave Nico a high-voltage slap, sending him to the floor.

"CUT IT OUT!"

"Come on kids, let's go. We're done here," Jewel ordered merrily.

The cackling Blu jetted off and took the lead, the rest of his family trailing him.

They eventually arrived at Rafael and Eva's home, but the adult toucans were nowhere to be seen. All eighteen chicks were huddled in one black mass, some napping, others chatting.

"Hey, it's Uncle Blu and Aunt Jewel! Our friends are here too!" one of the chicks said.

The sleeping toucans began to rouse as the others waddled closer to the Spix's Macaws.

Blu asked kindly, "How are you all doing?"

His mate asked, "Where are your parents?"

One female chick piped up and replied, "We're all good. Our parents are out bathing and gathering food. They might not be back for a while."

Jewel said, "I see. Thank you."

"No problem, Aunt Jewel."

"Hey, what is that glowy thing on your head, Uncle Blu?"

"I have no idea, buddy. Me and Jewel got them earlier this morning, and we don't know how."

"Okay," replied the little male, not wanting to push the issue.

Them not being able to prank Rafael and Eva wasn't bad at all, considering that they had _eighteen_ victims right in front of them.

"So, why are you two here? Can we play with your kids?" a male chick asked.

"I'm sorry, but not today. We're going to be… busy, and they have to come with us."

All the chicks muttered a collective "Awww…"

"Hey, don't be sad, little one. Your Uncle and I have a surprise for you."

"Surprise? I don't see any surprises. What gives, Aunt Jewel?" queried a confused female.

"We'll show you and your siblings. Just hold on."

Blu motioned Jewel over and whispered his plan in her ear. She gave a devilish smile and nodded to him, then faced the chicks.

"All of you scoot in close, now. That way, all of you will get the surprise at the same time."

The chicks did so, scrunching together in front of the adult macaws. When they were all packed nice and tight, Blu laced his right wing with Jewel's.

"Kids, step behind us, please," said Jewel.

When Samuel and Amelia had hidden behind their parents, Blu and Jewel tapped one of the outermost chicks on each side of the pile with their free wings. The air crackled as electricity surged through every tiny body, causing the chicks to jump like a group of fish out of water.

Some of them began laughing, while others began crying.

The macaw family was once again robbed of their breath, their chests heaving with laughter.

"I'm gonna… tell Mama and Papa… on you!" wailed a male.

"No way! That was fun!" proclaimed another male.

"You can… tell them or not. It doesn't matter!" shouted Blu.

"Eighteen in a row, Mom! That's a record… you'll never be able to beat!"

"I know, Samuel. Talk about amazing!"

Blu stood and helped Jewel up, facing the crying, giggling ball of toucans.

"Well, that's all, little toucans. We'll see you later!" said Jewel.

She bolted from the hollow first, Blu and the others racing to catch up.

"How about see you never!" a cluster of sniffling toucans taunted as they fled.

In the air, Jewel drifted closer to Blu and said, "I think we've become the best pranksters in all of Rio!"

"You might be right, honey. We'll have to start shocking all the birds we pass by in the coming days."

"I'd love that, handsome," she replied.

"Who are you going to shock next, Mom and Dad. You've nailed off of your friends."

Blu craned his head back and narrowed his eyes.

"Not _all_ of them, Amelia."

"Who are you talking about, then?"

"All the humans in the Blu Bird Sanctuary building… starting with Linda."

Thus, the insidious team of birds banked and made a beeline for the structure, navigating the dense jungle with relative ease.

They filed in through one of the retractable windows, and Blu used his writing skills to get the ornithologists to find his caretaker. Linda came out of one of the lab rooms and approached the macaws, who were sitting on a linoleum counter.

After vocal greetings were exchanged, she asked him about the marks on their skulls. Both he and Jewel replied with a shrug and a squawk.

Blu then indicated his wish to write something, and so she procured a notepad and a pencil from her pocket.

She handed it to him, watching intently as he scribbled.

He then held the pad out to her, and she took it.

Covering the front page were the words: "Would you please shake my wing?"

* * *

**Moral: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and damn good at playing practical jokes!**


	5. Douchebaggery At Dinner

**Chapter 5: Douchebaggery At Dinner**

In this particular story, Blu and Jewel are both thirty years old and the parents of ten children so far. They are sitting around a delectable pile of fruit and nuts, chatting with each other and eating leisurely.

As we all know, pregnant females tend to be moody, and so it is fair to say that Jewel is a ticking time-bomb.

What will Blu do to set her off?

How much food and how many harsh words will fly as a result?

Will either of them survive to see the next sunrise? Let us assume the third person viewpoint and see…

* * *

"Isn't this evening romantic, Blu?" asked Jewel, bending down to nab a purple grape with her beak.

"It sure is, honey. We haven't had quite a night like this all year, aside from our steamy round of sex last week."

Jewel hurriedly chewed and swallowed the grape, almost causing herself to gag.

"You got that right, handsome. I can still remember you blowing my mind with your tongue and your wings. It's a good thing you know how to… _copulate_ properly," she said with a grin.

Blu downed a nut without chewing and replied, "Why thank you, beautiful. Even though Sex for Dummies is made for humans, the knowledge it holds can always be adapted for the lower species."

"Oh, so you learned all those techniques from a book?"

Blu smiled and said, "Yep."

She hopped over to him and said silkily, "I'm glad you did. Now I'll never have to worry about not being satisfied. You know exactly where to put things, and when."

"Neither will I, beautiful. You know where to touch me, and for how long."

Blu gazed down at her swollen midsection and pressed his right wing against her sultry feathers.

"How are they doing? Not hurting you at all, are they?"

She folded her wing over his and looked at him.

"They're doing fine. And no, they're not causing me any pain."

"That's good to hear."

Blu leaned forward and plastered an elegant kiss on her furry cheek.

"I love you, my precious Jewel."

"I love you too, my handsome Blu."

Blu wrapped his right wing around her back and squeezed their chests together. He then kissed her even deeper than before, closing his eyes in bliss.

When he broke away, Jewel breathed in and said, "Blu, don't you get uncomfortable when they watch us kiss?"

"Who?"

"The people floating above us."

Confused, Blu peered at the ceiling, turning his head in all directions.

"I don't see anyone, Jewel. I think you're hallucinating."

Undaunted, Jewel replied, "But Blu, they're_ right _there! I see a bunch of boys and girls. They seem very interested in what we're saying and doing."

She pointed her wing here and there at the heads she saw hovering over her, their faces cheery and painted with anticipation.

"Jewel, there's _no one_ there. No one is spying on us! Now quit talking nonsense and shove your tongue in my mouth."

"No. I will not do anything until you stop lying."

Blu narrowed his eyes and said, "I'm not lying! I think those eggs must be messing with your brain."

"Now what is that supposed to mean? Are you calling me crazy?"

"What do you want me to call you? Sane? What you're claiming to see is impossible!"

"Oh, so just because you're a nerd-bird means you know _everything_ there is to know?"

Blu crossed his wings and fired back, "No, but I _do_ know enough to be able to tell the truth from mindless rambling."

Jewel threw her wings up in disgust and stomped over to the food pile.

"Ugh! You're so stubborn! Leave me alone, non-believer."

She crammed a few nuts in her beak and crunched them in anger, turning her back on her mate.

Blu strutted over to the opposite side and grabbed a grape, causing her to face away from him again.

"Oooh, so you're giving me the silent treatment? Be that way, then."

He thrust the grape into his beak and liquefied it with his irritated chews.

"Idiot Jewel and her idiot mood swings," Blu muttered quietly. "The faster she gets those eggs out, the better. That way, she won't whine about anything, and she won't look so fat."

As Blu made to down a few nuts, Jewel stiffened. She turned around slowly and dramatically, glaring poisonously at her mate.

"Did you just call me _fat_?"

Haughtily, Blu chomped down on the nuts and replied, "Yeah. Sho? What arsh you gonnath do?"

She glared even harder and threw a slew of nuts at his face.

"Take that, jerk! It's your fault I'm fat in the first place!"

Blu swallowed and stepped around the food pile, moving closer to her.

"My fault? Please explain, fatty!"

She poked his chest menacingly with her wing.

"_You're _the one who was begging to pound me all day! If you would have kept your beak shut, we never would have mated. But we did, and so I got pregnant. Bingo, that means it's your fault!"

"You could have refused, but you didn't! You're the one who let me massage you and lick you in dirty places and thrust your brains out. Bingo, that means it's _your _fault!"

"Whatever, liar. You've never claimed I was fat before, so what's the big deal now?"

"Because you _are_! And you have a temper that's hotter than hell!"

"Now look at you, insulting my personality!" she yelled. "Oh man, I better look out, 'cause big-shot Blu's here. Step aside, everyone, and make room for the _asshole_!"

She got in his face as she screamed the last word.

"If I'm an asshole, then you're a bitch! A grumpy, overweight bitch!"

She slapped him with her wing, his head jerking to the left.

"Screw you!"

She looked upwards, only to see the floating heads cringing away, their faces tainted with exasperation.

She brought her head down and faced her mate.

"Look what you're doing! You're scaring our audience away! Quit being such a douchebag!"

Blu huffed and slapped Jewel back.

"You think I care about them? They're not even real. Quit bringing them up, DOUCHEBAG!"

Jewel recovered from the hit and seized a grape with her foot, smashing it all over Blu's beak. As the slime dripped to the ground, Blu's eyes began to sting from the spray of acidic juice.

Jewel began to snort in glee as he scrubbed his eyes, groaning all the while.

When he stopped rubbing, he opened them and pierced Jewel with a demonic stare.

His bloodshot eyes silently impaled her, but the sweet revenge of her victory nullified his hatred. She cracked up internally and toppled on her back, flopping around as she laughed.

"Oh Blu… you should see how… you look! Your eyes… oh damn… I got you good!"

She peeled open her eyes and met the gazes of the faces above, who were snickering and cackling.

"The faces… are laughing too! I have their support! I WIN!"

Blu snapped and snatched up a grape, bounding over to his hysterical mate. He shut her up instantly by shoving the purple orb against her eye and grinding it back and forth.

"How do you like _this_, abusive slut! Feel the _burn_!"

"Ahh! Get off… you bastard!"

She wiped the dark smile off his face by head-butting him in the skull. He staggered backwards and tripped, landing in the food pile and scattering it in all directions.

"Gah… urgh… I'm gonna bust you up, Blu! Shit…"

Blu rolled over and got to his feet, breathing heavily like an enraged bull.

"Come at me then, whore! It's gonna take more than one hit like that to stop me!"

Jewel peeled her bloodshot eye open, shook her head, and charged. She tackled Blu to the floor and began ripping out his feathers with her sharp beak.

"Ow! Hey! Get the hell off!"

They rolled around in a storm of feathers and insults, grapes and nuts being smashed and tossed from their home.

Blu retaliated in kind, stripping plumes from her neck and chest with uncouth force.

They then resorted to pecking and nipping each other, drawing blood from the various cuts and tears they inflicted.

They also scratched each other's bellies with their claws.

For the entire duration of the fight, neither paid any attention to the danger they were putting Jewel's eggs in.

Needless to say they wore themselves out in a matter of minutes, reduced to hoarse, bleeding sacks of feathers.

They ended up on their sides, Jewel's beak clamped onto his neck, Blu's claws dug into her stomach.

"Shit… can you let go now? Damn… I hurt all over. I hope… I don't puke…" Blu moaned.

Jewel unclenched her beak and spit out a wad of soggy feathers, shoving him away weakly.

"Ohh… I'm gonna lose sleep tonight… that's for sure…" Jewel muttered.

Blu dragged himself over to one side of the space, kicking the remnant fruit in his path. He left a broken trail of blood droplets as he walked.

Jewel spun and staggered to her feet, clamping her wings against her stomach.

"Blu… if you hurt these eggs… I'm gonna kill you… literally…"

Too weak to move, she simply crouched there, her head hanging low.

"You can't kill me… I'm your mate. Then our species… will end up… going extinct…"

She snorted pitifully and replied, "We're gonna die out… someday anyway.. Carlos… is the biggest damn moron on the planet… for only making two of us…"

Ruefully, Jewel craned her head up. The faces were saddened by the statement, nodding their heads in agreement.

"Even the faces… agree. I swear… when I find that Brazilian idiot… I'm gonna claw his throat out…"

Blu let out a disdainful sigh and laid his chin on the floor.

"You know… maybe we should… keep this to ourselves. It'll be… our dirty little secret…"

Jewel slumped to the floor and peered at him from behind our drooping eyelids.

"Yeah That's the best idea… you've came up with… all day…"

"Screw you… Jewel," he said resentfully." I'm gonna go to sleep now. Give me some peace and quiet, will you?"

"What-the-hell-ever. Sweet dreams… jerk…"

Blu stouck his tongue out at her, then shut his eyes drearily.

"Tulio and Linda… may never know what happened… but our kids eventually will. I sure hope… I don't have to beat them up too…"

Jewel stole one last glance at the faces, who smiled faintly and vanished.

"Finally… the spies are gone. Time for some… decent sleep. No birds… to pester me about having sex… or wanting to fight… with me…"

Jewel nearly closed her eyes, but a flash of movement propped them open. She saw a lone head, male on one side, female on the other, right in front of her beak.

"Go to hell. I'm done having… my privacy violated. Screw you. Go watch some… other macaw family…"

With that, the face took its leave, and Jewel fell into a painful slumber.

* * *

**Moral: Don't say harmful things to your pregnant wife on a romantic evening, or she will make your ears bleed by insults alone. She will make your skin bleed as well, by other means.**


End file.
